


Crumbling Breath

by CapKawaii



Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Cutting, Depression, M/M, Past Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Past Klaine, Puckurt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-14 20:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1278034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapKawaii/pseuds/CapKawaii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt Hummel can feel there is something wrong with him, he knows there is but why would he admit it and fuel someone else's reasons to hate him, ruin the perfect relationship between him and his perfect Boyfriend, but this thing known as living is getting too troublesome in his eyes. But he has to. </p><p>He has to keep breathing.</p><p>Trigger warnings, Self harm, depression, Anxiety, self hate, set season 3 before the first time. Past Klaine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First breath

Crumbling Breath  
Prologue/Chapter 1

Breathe.

It’s a simple action that keeps you alive. If you want to live you have to be doing it even if it hurts. There is no way around it, and for Kurt Hummel the only way to be happy in his head is to stop doing this action. Leave his dad and boyfriend behind. But the guilt he feels by doing this is what stops him from swallowing those pills or jumping of the top of high building.

And instead he’s found another way to cope with this stabbing, insufferable pain.

And breathe’s. 

He walks into the house, knowing his dad and Carol are at work and Finn at football practice. He walks up the stairs quickly and into his room. The bathroom door slams shut and gets locked as soon as the porcelain boy walks in. He digs about his bag and pulls out the razor blade that is hidden in a compartment with bandages and rubbing alcohol. 

He slides down the wall and sits on the cold white tiled flooring. He pulls up the sleeve of his purple button up shirt and undoes his black stylish waistcoat before breathing in deeply and letting it out again. The hurt feeling in his chest remains and lingers. He has to do this in his head. This is the only way to be able to let all these emotions out, all this frustration and pain. No one could ever hurt him as much as he can hurt himself. 

The cool metal digs into his already scared wrists; he drags the knife over the width of his wrist pressing moderately hard. He waits a few seconds, knowing the blood with bubble up and fills up the almost invisible indent in the skin before spilling down onto the pure white floor and tainting the cleanliness with crimson. 

And then he repeats going into autopilot.

Knowing if Blaine ever saw his scars or he found out somehow he’d break up with him and call him a freak. He’d tell him what a failure as a human he is, and Kurt couldn’t let that happen. Blaine is the best thing that has happened to him since god knows when.  
Kurt looks at his bleeding arms before reaching for the bandages near him on the floor, and wrapping it tightly before getting up and going to sleep, reminding himself to clean up after his nap.

And breathe.

Kurt intakes a sharp breath as a jock slams him into the lockers and leaves him to fall and nurse a probably broken and bleeding nose. The bullying got worse when he transferred back from Dalton; soon after his boyfriend transferred with him it became more physical and less verbal. 

He loves Blaine deeply, he is his soul mate but how is he supposed to tell him he’s so weak that he’s getting beaten up on a daily basis and then does an unspeakable thing to sooth the pain that others make him feel.

The bell for next class rings loud, the people in the hall fleeing to the classes. Kurt stands and stumbles to the nearest bathroom, knees weak from the shock of most likely having a broken nose along with blood now on his long sleeved white striped shirt, and going to a stall not registering the other people in that maybe in bathroom with him.  
He sits on the floor against the door not even bothering to lock it trusting his back to keep it closed for him. Someone knocks on the door, startling him before answering in a shaky broken voice. 

“W-what?” 

“Kurt, you okay? You looked like shit when you walked in here. I’ll beat the crap out of who did this to you.” The voice replies sternly.

Well isn’t this just the best thing that could happen, Puck.

“Why do you care?”

“Cause’ you’re my boy. Can I at least come in and clean you up? If you don’t I’ll climb over the top of the stall, your choice.”

He doesn’t answer and hears the stall door next to him open and Pucks head is poking over the other stall with a stupid smile on his face.  
“Puck you idiot, get down.”

“Open the door?”  
Kurt sighs and shuffles over to make a big enough gap for Puck to fit through. The other squeezes through and frowns slightly at the state of the other boy. Puck sits opposite him on the toilet and gets some tissue to start patting the still fresh blood away. Puck reached forward to pull Kurt’s hands towards him wiping blood up with the tissue. Realising his shirt was basically covered in blood he wiped under the shirt up his wrist, while Kurt was leaning his head against the door with his eyes closed.

The blood soaked up from the nose bleed were he’d been holding his nose to his hands to stop the flow of blood. With most of it gone Puck was able to see the scabbed over wounds and the multitude of scars adorning his play slim arm. Kurt yanked his arm away as panic set in his eyes going wide at Puck.

“K-Kurt?” 

“I’ve got to go.” Kurt replied running out of the stall and to the parking lot breathing deeply and unevenly as he got into his car, tears once again streaming down his face for the god knows how many time this week. He felt so week. His secret that he’d kept for the past year been exposed to Puck, of all the people. His skin suffocating him, nails sinking in to his shoulders as he hugged himself, knee’s up to his chest trying yet failing at calming down.

He heard a knock at his car window and the voice of his boyfriend, “Kurt, baby can you unlock the door for me please?” Worry etched into his voice. Kurt complied, tears not stopping as Blaine climbed into the passenger seat.

Blaine took in the battered boys’ appearance and felt like his heart was going to break. He reached over and hugged Kurt tightly to his chest hoping the other would calm down enough to talk. He’d seen Puck chasing him and stopped him thinking he was trying to hurt him like he used to but when he told him what happened in the bathroom stall he didn't waste any time running after him.

He saw the other was calming down and realised him slowly, his hands and looking him in the eyes.“What happened?” He asked softly.

“Nothing, I fell over in the hallway.” Kurt lied to him hoping Puck hadn’t opened his big mouth yet.

“D-don’t lie to me Kurt, not me of all people. I’ll understand anything you tell me.”

“Did you talk to Puck?” He stated solemnly looking away out the window; he heard Blaine sigh and shift to the door before he heard it slam. Thinking his boyfriend had left him he sunk into his seat.

The driver’s door opened and Kurt was been told to move over so the other could drive. Blaine drove them both to the Hummel-Hudson house. 

And he ties to breathe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes people just can't deal or understand things.

The drive back home to Kurt’s house was far too uncomfortable without the radio and with silent sniffles with slightly laboured breathing as he tried to calm down. Once they got into the driveway and the engine was shut off, Blaine glanced over sadly before getting out and opening the others car door to let him out. They walk to the front door and Blaine walked to Kurt’s room and sat on the sofa in there together.

“Kurt, what happened today?” Blaine asked in a calming voice grabbing both of Kurt’s hands. “I spoke to Puck and he said you just ran off while he was cleaning you up and he saw something, but I didn’t catch it because I obviously came to see you.”

“U-um... so he didn’t say what… h-he saw?” Kurt questioned quietly thinking that he could get away with not telling Blaine about his bad habit or was it classed as an addiction now? He didn’t know and he frankly couldn’t find it in him to care at the moment.

“No, he didn’t. But that’s not the point, why was your nose bleeding and why was Puck freaking out about you?”

“I got shoved into a locker by accident?” Kurt replied smiling sheepishly trying to hide the truth.

“No, you didn’t.”

“Okay, some Jocks did it are you happy? I was closing my locker and a group of jocks shoved me and probably broke my nose while they were at it.” He snapped back, feeling that his secrets would be found out soon enough.

Blaine gaped at him stroking the others hand slowly and comfortingly, “I’m sorry, we’ll tell someone when we go back to school. But why was Puck freaking out, I’m pretty sure he’s seen enough blood with all the fights he gets into.”

“B-because he... he saw something while he was cleaning my hands,” Kurt replied looking away, removing his hands from Blaine’s grasp and folding them.

Blaine stared at him. “What did he see, Kurt?” When Kurt didn’t reply he became worried, what could be so bad that Puck of all people would freak out? “Kurt?” He reached over and took one of Kurt’s hands into his own, palm facing up seeing scars on the base of his wrist. The other looked scared with wide eyes as he tried to pull away. Blaine pulled up the arm of Kurt’s sleeve, taking in the air quickly to stop himself from gasping. This was the last thing he expected.

Kurt was still staring at him, wide-eyed. Blaine pulled up the sleeve of his other arm, staring at both arms and the multitude of scars and freshly scabbed over. Some obviously had gone deeper, with how they had healed and how they were raised and bumpy. There were two scars on his right wrist that were thick and stood out more than the others. Blaine assumed he had needed stitches for it but couldn’t be sure if Kurt went to the hospital with it.

Blaine didn’t know what to do. “Why?”

“I wasn’t strong enough Blaine. I needed to have some control or... or I would d- do something... worse.” He trailed off and Blaine didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t realised how bad the other had gotten mentally. Blaine knew what he meant by something worse and the thought made him feel uncomfortable. How could he deal with something like this? He loved Kurt, but this was… too much. “I don’t know how to deal with this Kurt.” Blaine whispers out.

“I-I’m sorry Blaine, I’m so sorry.”

“I have to go Kurt; I just don’t know what to do. You understand right?”

Kurt just stares, stares as Blaine apologises, stares as he leaves like he is some sort of trance. He doesn’t know how long he sits there but when the weight of reality hits him he goes straight to his bathroom. He knew this would happen when he found out and yet it still hurt him. And then he went into autopilot like always.

And breathe.

The next day went on as usual; Puck seemed to hang around Kurt a little more like he was worried to leave him alone. There was always Puck with him, be it walking him to his classes or eating lunch in the choir room with him. It seemed the older had figured something was going on with Blaine and Kurt, but he didn’t mention anything. So at lunch Kurt sat with Puck practising for his performance in glee that was scheduled today after Rachel, Finn and Artie. This week’s assignment was to sing about where you think you are in your life and to express that. He hadn’t a clue what to sing. So he went with finding a song that told the truth (as Blaine had said would be best), well closest to that anyway.

When glee rolled around at the end of lunch, everyone filed in and got straight to work. Rachel sang about following her dreams, Finn sang a soft rock song about something to do with been in love and Artie sang about excepting things as they are, most likely about his chair which Kurt was glad his friend was overcoming something that has bothered him for so long. When it was Kurt’s turn he was starting to panic he only just found the song.

He walked to the front smiling as Puck gave him a grin and thumbs up. So he got a stool and brought it to the front and sat down smiling softly back, he heard Santana whisper ‘wanky’ and a snort from her. He cleared his throat and looked at his hands.

Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me  
Wrap me up, unfold me  
I am small, and needy  
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found  
Yeah, I think that I might break  
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

When he stopped he finally looked up to see a few girls crying or tearing up. Blaine was directing a watery-eyed pout towards him. Even though he hadn’t talked to him yet, he jumped off the stool straight-faced as he sat back down next to Puck. Everyone but Blaine and Puck was shocked at what he had sung and confused. Mr Shue finished up and with that everyone left. Well almost everyone. Puck slung an arm over the back of Kurt’s chair as Blaine made his way over. "Well, this should be fun," Puck muttered to Kurt who nodded in return.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angry Puck and Horror movies.

Blaine looked from Kurt to Puck and frowned slightly. "Can we talk alone Kurt?"

Kurt looks at Blaine standing directly over him and looks away after a second.

Puck glances at Kurt and although they have never been particularly close he can see how uncomfortable the other is. His arms are tightly crossed and jaw tight. Puck's never been one to comfort people or give a shit about most people, but Kurt's his boy and he won't just abandon him. So when the other doesn't answer he turns his head and answers for him.

"Just say what you've got to say then leave. You're making my boy uncomfortable." Puck says stubbornly.

Blaine looks shocked and shifts on his feet slightly. "Your boy? What does that even mean? He's my boyfriend and-"

"It means he's my boy and yeah well I don't care if you're his boyfriend. You are making him uncomfortable and that's not cool." Kurt looks at him shocked, Puck shrugs back and a small smile and the other teen just shakes his head. Puck looks to Blaine as does Kurt.

"What did you want to say, Blaine?" Kurt asks.

Blaine takes a step back and sighs looking anywhere but the other two. "I just don't understand Kurt, why you... do that to yourself. I don't think I want to, but I don't see why you would." He pauses for a few seconds. "I don't think I can do this Kurt."

Kurt feels his chest tighten and he looks down, trying to keep his tears at bay. It goes silent for a long time before he goes on. "I think we need some time apart. I need to figure some things out" Blaine looks to Kurt only to see him with tears running down his cheeks and Puck frowning deeply before he stands up and step towards him.

"Are you and idiot? Because you must be to say that to someone who obviously needs someone just to be there to help, not an asshole who is too up his own ass to even give a shit about how his boyfriend feels! Do you even think before you speak, do you know how much your words mean to him or are you just an insensitive bastard!?" Puck shouts angrily, ready to punch him. He opens his mouth but shuts it and looks around to see Kurt smiling softly with his hand on his shoulder.

"Shut up Puck, It okay." He looks over at Blaine. "It's fine, we can have time apart." Kurt grabs Puck's forearm and drags him off with him.

And breathe

They reach the parking lot of the school and Kurt let's go of the other and starts to head for his car. Puck follows and as they get close to his car he tells Kurt to wait. "Hey, can we hang out?"

Kurt looked slightly startled, considering they'd spoken more over the past two days than they had the past month. But he still nodded and said "Yeah, sure if you want. We can watch a movie at mine?"

"Yeah, that'd be awesome dude." Puck had a wide grin and grabbed the others keys jumping in Kurt's car so he could drive.

"Hey, if you crash my baby I will end you, and don't call me dude." Kurt huffed out sitting in the passengers side.

For the most of the trip, the two teens were silent with the gentle hum of the radio on in the background. Kurt looked out the window with one hand holding his head up. "Hey Puck, why are you being so nice to me?"

Puck looks over for a second to see Kurt still looking out the window with a blank look before looking back to the road. "Well, I like you. You're not as much of a bitch as I thought and you're a cool guy."

"But that doesn't explain why you're suddenly hanging around me. I mean we hadn't spoken more than a few sentence this month until a few days ago."

"Well, I didn't know that you needed someone hanging out this you until a few days ago when I saw you in the toilets. I mean if you don't like my company tell me to leave you alone. Because I see you as a friend I guess"

"I don't mind your company."

Puck smiles as he drives them the rest of the way to Kurt's house, when they get there no one else home, Finn is out at Rachel's and his dad's taken Carole out on a date. Kurt takes off his shoes near the door and Puck does the same, he makes his way to the kitchen as Puck sits on the sofa. A few minutes later Kurt comes back out with his arms full of bags of chips and cans of drink that he drops on the sofa.

"What sort of film do you want to watch? I own mostly horror and musicals, but Finn has some action"

"Dude you like horror movies?" Kurt nods as he points to a large section of films on a self. Puck looks at them and realises that he'd seen most of them but not a few. "Wow, man, I think my favourite films there."

"Which one? We'll watch it." Puck stands and picks up one of the films and Kurt laughs. "Oh, that one. I couldn't even be around children for weeks after watching that."

"I know, my sister is around the same age as the main characters daughter and that creeped me the hell out." Puck and Kurt laugh as he takes the DVD off the taller male putting the film 'Sinister' into the DVD player.

Throughout the movie, they had started trying to scare each other any chance they got. They both scared the other one more than the actual film. When the film ended at around they watched a few other.

At 10ish, they decided to watch 'The Descent' because Puck hadn't seen it. Within the first 10 minutes, they both had pillows covering most of their faces and were pressed together, shoulders and thighs pressed to each others.

They both got emerged in the movie screaming, jumping and laughing at the other when they did either. Near the end of the film, Puck felt a weight on his shoulder that made him jump in his sleepy state. He smiled down at the other before resting his head on the other closing his eyes.

Puck felt guilty for all he had done to Hummel in the past and wondered when he had started harming himself, why he started and if Puck himself was part of the reason. But as he went to sleep he realised one thing.

That Hummel wasn't bad at all. From the little time he'd spent with the other, he may just think that he was one of the coolest guys he knew.

Well, apart from himself that is.

**Author's Note:**

> Recently changed the pairing because I've gone of Klaine and on to PucKurt. Sorry if you don't like this pairing but I had a different idea for this fic.


End file.
